The fresh excitement of a new beginning started with a drive of joyful tears and wonder of what God had in store next. I cried, prayed and sang along with worship music as I drove to this event so overwhelmed with all thoughts and praises to God for all He has healed in me. God has brought me so far, done so much in my heart. Tears of joy poured out as I contemplated how much grace, mercy and unconditional love God has lavished upon my heart to bring me to this day. I insistently asked Jesus to go with me as I stepped out to follow this dream, to direct me, to bless this meeting time.
Many blessings have come in the last 14 years of studying Scripture as often as I can. This studying resulted from my rock bottom experience (14 years ago) came Bible studies and prayer times with amazing people who spoke God’s truth into my life. My deep desire to learn as much about God and His ways as I could, has kept me pouring over Scripture. During these years of Bible study, that still continue, I opened my covered and hidden deep wounds to Jesus’ beautiful healing. Jesus came in has done way more than I could ask or imagine and I know there is more! So this new adventure is a big deal, its a new time!
This night felt so different, I used to frequent networking events in the past in an effort to build a business I started. You see, I graduated college with business dreams, but they were dreams, at the root, to prove self worth, to prove look what I can do, to yell to the world I do have some value. These deeply broken places in my soul came with a focus of the opposite frame of mind from what can I give to: thoughts of what could I take from this, what would I get from this, but this time I wanted to actively be the new creation God has been making me into. Knowing my Heavenly Father provides everything I need, this time my heart asked, “what can I share?” How can I give love and use the God given gifts and talents I have to bless others. Desiring to actively be the new person Jesus has made me to be to live in His purpose.
Upon arriving at this event, I had the privilege of meeting some absolutely wonderful ladies. It is the first time I had been this inspired in a long time. I was really scared to go, I found out about the meet up on a Facebook post a few weeks ago and thought about it, but wasn’t sure if I should go, all during the day, typical of most days, there are several items requesting attention on a calendar at the same time and this was one of those days. After much prayer and encouragement from my husband I decided to go the writers group.
I had been feeling quite lost and also unhappy with myself. Feeling aimless during the day, feeling I was just wasting time. After dropping my children off at school and having moved one to college my emotions were getting the best of me. My lack of motivation and direction have led to unproductivity and simultaneously being on a quest for defining who I am and want to be, this was not how I was wanting to spend my days. I have some dreams in my heart, but in all honesty I was stuck in a huge hole of self loathing pride and fear. I knew this is not the life God has for me.
This meetup was so refreshing, clarity began happening as these marvelous ladies shared their dreams, places in life and what they were currently working on. Perfect strangers sharing in the journey of today. I relished hearing what each one had to share, seeing each one of them light up talking about the dream in their hearts. My heart became so inspired with a new confidence. In the trueness of Jesus’ character: as a sweet answer to the prayer on my drive, I looked up from the chair I was sitting in directly in front of me was a whole group of books “Jesus Calling” I smiled so big as I knew Jesus was right there with me.
God has done a total 180 on me from that 14 year past rock bottom & I am ever so thankful. So I confessed to the group I tried to blog, I would start and stop because of fear and trying to do it all perfectly. I couldn’t figure out all the ins and outs of WordPress so I quit because it wasn’t perfect. One other factor: 🙁 Which this excuse I didn’t’ share but kept thinking: in the past I was so scared of not being good enough that I wanted to have everything perfect so I would be at minimal acceptable. This insecurity I had ran soul level DEEP, DEEP fear of rejection, DEEP fear of not looking good enough, so in reality I was writing to start this blog business to get glory, accolades, recognition. Feed the ego and feed the flesh. The Pride battle was fiercly raging inside of me for the past few years and I have let it run. Because you see, knowing all the beautiful truths of Scripture and knowing what an amazing Almighty Heavenly Dad I have; who deserves all glory and praise- wanting to give it to him praise & glory but in truth my flesh wanted the glory. Which this is where my conflict has totally halted me. Halted me for what I discovered to be 5 years!!! I have lived in fear and disobedience for the last 5 years in this part of my life. Being completely honest, it took me days to write this and post it because I have been TERRIFIED!
I have been reading books all summer long. Really wonderful inspiring books, Bible studies, Christian authors with step approach methods, confidence building, spot on direction. I could feel God walking me along, filling me with more and more wisdom with each reading. Gently encouraging me to try again, see where it goes. So today was a huge heart change I really want to share the awesome things God has blessed me with and I know he wants to bless each one of his children. Over and over in Scripture it says, “Tell what I have done, share the goodness, Tell of my love.(my paraphrase) I have felt God saying, share this good news share my love, share my treasures.
This truly is what I want to do-to give, to share, to show God’s love, to be a blessing to someone else. I have learned more and more who I am as a child of God, and I am imperfect. I am always going to make mistakes, as I am sure you can see… this writing is FAR from perfect! Today, I lean into the truth that I have a heavenly Father that loves me no matter what, loving me on my best days and keeping that same love for me on my worst days.
Understanding how much I am loved and valued by God changes everything. Knowing He has me no matter what, that he will always take care of me. Knowing I always have Him with me has given me so much joy & confidence. I am excited to walk in that joy & confidence in this part of my life as he has enabled me to do in other parts of my life. Walking in the freedom to love and serve because He is always pouring love into me, I then can pour love out. He has this for all of us, He stands with open arms waiting for us to turn to him to be filled.
So as I embark on this perhaps, “third times a charm” approach at writing. I pray to be a blessing to others and that I bring glory and honor to my Father, that I bring His light and love, as he has brought it to me, to someone who may come across this writing & future ones, and to thank God for all He has done in my heart.
I pray and hope to share the beautiful insight from my experiences, wisdom I have gained from Scripture & that you too will meet your Heavenly Father in the pages of His Word and find all the treasures He has awaiting for you to discover. That together we will walk along side one another in our unique giftings, encouraging one another. Extending grace upon grace to each other that we might flourish in God’s unfailing love.
Praying you will feel confident to step out in your gifting too! Casting out fear and giving your gifts a try! Leave a comment if I can pray for you in your journey!
Love & Blessings,
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